Therapists

It seems like vulnerability is a big topic these days in people looking for their soul mate.

What does being vulnerable mean anyway? It merely involves putting yourself in a position that you could either be hurt physically or emotionally.

It sounds easy to let down your defenses when it comes to the one you love, but it’s not as easy as it may appear. You have a natural defense mechanism that is there to protect you from being hurt, and when you let down your guard, it means exposing the most intimate parts of yourself.

Many people push away love because they don’t like to share some of the most intimate parts of their hearts, and it’s quite scary to expose yourself. When something goes wrong, the first thing you want to do is withdraw from the situation to avoid getting hurt. However, what if you stay and work through it?

Is it possible to control your natural-born instinct to defend yourself? So many people are missing out on love because they prefer to isolate and withhold the secret, innermost parts of their hearts. To accept and express affection requires vulnerability, and if you don’t master this art, then you may never find your true love.

Engage in The Act of Generosity

Generosity and vulnerability go hand-in-hand, according to the London Journal of Primary Care. Moreover, it improves your general feeling of wellness.

When you’re generous, you are showing an outward expression of the compassion and sensitivity you have deep inside. Being generous to a partner will show that you are willing to give your time and energy to help them.

Let’s assume your partner is sick and needs assistance. When they’re ill and can’t get out of bed, that’s when they need you the most. So, you clean their apartment and bring them chicken soup and tea. You’re allowing yourself to see them at their worst, and they are accepting your gift and showing their vulnerability too.

Remember, being vulnerable is a two-way street. You’re not on your “A” game when you are down and out and sick. When you do a generous act like taking care of an ill person, it gives you both a sense of gratification. Another benefit is it helps to counteract the human desire to withhold from others.

Authentic generosity

You open yourself up for emotional exchanges that you might not have the opportunity for when you isolate. Make a strong effort to give in a situation where you normally would stand back. Don’t expect any reciprocal treatment for the act, but you should do something kind to help another person.

If you make a nice gesture in the hopes of getting something in return, then you miss out on the true spirit of generosity. Plus, you won’t learn how to be vulnerable. There are many ways that you can be generous. The easiest way to do so is by buying gifts or giving money.

However, these acts are a little less emotional and don’t have the same psychological impact as something that comes from the heart. To be labeled a generous person, you must be willing to drop everything in your schedule to lend a helping hand. You will notice that you will look for opportunities to respond to people in need, even if it’s just offering a shoulder to cry on.

Commitment to your relationship

When you’re in a committed relationship, there should always be acts of generosity that go back and forth. You must learn to receive as much as you give, which can also be difficult for some. It’s the same reason why some women don’t like to have the doors opened and closed for them.

Allowing someone to do something for you takes away your power to do it for yourself. Sure, any woman can open her car door, but it’s something special when her partner does it for her. It shows that he or she will take care of her and go the extra mile to protect her.

Generosity is physical and emotional

Keep in mind that generosity isn’t just a physical display, either. Your words and actions can also be giving. Compliment your love on how they look and help them to destroy any negative self-image they may have. While this gift doesn’t cost a dime, its value is priceless.

Lastly, when you give to someone else, you feel liberated, energized, and less defensive. It will teach you how to be fulfilled in relationships. Many say that it’s essential to your emotional wellbeing, but it’s also a moral way to live your life.

Be Clear About Your Wants and Needs

Another way that you can show your vulnerability is by communicating your wants and needs. Your self-protective defense wants you to keep your desires hidden, and in many instances, people turn to others to find gratification for those desires. When you hide your agenda, you risk falling into narcissism, according to researchers.

Additionally, during your isolated times, you develop an attitude that you don’t need anyone else, and you can take care of yourself. It’s weird to ask someone for a need as it puts you in an inferior state where you may feel shame, and when you feel guilt, it’s often a painful emotion that you relate to childhood events.

Many children go through life longing to be understood, seen by others, loved, and touched by affection. Sadly, many didn’t get their needs met, so they develop a shame when they ask for friendship and humiliation because they will never seem like anything more than an unlovable child.

Even in their adult life, they feel the pangs of humiliation asking their partner for the things they need. It may be as simple as needing to hear at least once each day the words “I love you.” Yet, many can’t even bring themselves to ask for such a simple request.

If you want to meet and build a relationship with your soul mate, then you must be vulnerable. It will require overcoming your resistance to communicate with that person about your wants and needs. This also puts you in an uncomfortable position because you are putting yourself out there for a rejection or even frustration.

Thankfully, when you make these simple requests based on your needs, you will become stronger and more aware that you are no longer a child who feels pushed into the corner. There’s no shame or humiliation in asking for your needs to be met.

Offer and Receive Affection

You encourage vulnerability when you both offer and accept affection from others. Over time, you will learn that your soul mate isn’t going to use your vulnerable times to control you. When you share warmth and love with others, then you are making a statement that you’re ready to receive it in return.

Affection is both verbal and physical. It can be playful, tender, caring, or seductive. However, it’s given, it’s an outward expression of your generous nature and fulfilling the needs of others as well as asking for your needs to be filled.

But, how do you achieve this?

At first, you may feel a bit anxious or uncomfortable as these behaviors are new and challenging to display. You need to protect yourself will undoubtedly come into play too. There’s always the risk that you will be hurt, or someone will take advantage of your generous nature.

However, if you hold steadfast and put your doubts aside, then you will learn why vulnerability in love is so essential. Research proves that individuals who had issues from their childhood that stem from abandonment, controlling, emotional, physical, or sexual abuse, and neglect often have problems with vulnerability. These people withdrawal into themselves and walk on eggshells around others.

It makes it hard to have a meaningful relationship with someone who isn’t emotionally available. However, you can teach someone to be more vulnerable by giving them the tools they need to build confidence. Working with a therapist is a great place to start. If you want long and meaningful relationships, you must open yourself to the innermost parts you hide from others.

Final Thoughts on the Connection Between Vulnerability and Falling in Love

The beauty of finding your “person” or partner in life is that this is the one that understands you better than anyone else. Some people note that they find it easier to let down their walls when it’s with the right one.

Your partner will make you feel like an equal and not less than in life. Research indicates that with therapy, your childhood battles, and feelings of abandonment and neglect, can melt away when you’re in a safe place. What is it that you hold back in love, and how has it affected your ability to have meaningful relationships?

If you’ve been unlucky in love, perhaps it’s time to explore if your lack of a vulnerable nature had anything to do with it. You can learn to open and expose those secretive places to someone who isn’t there to hurt you, but they only wish to help.

You’ve seen it happen–what looks like a relationship made in heaven suddenly fizzles. You wonder what happened. How can you prevent this from happening to your relationship?  So, what are 15 red flags of a doomed relationship?

Love is healthy for you. According to one study, love activates parts of your brain that reduce your stress levels and gives you a sense of pleasure. That’s powerful. But sometimes a relationship goes wrong, turning into a toxic relationship. This process doesn’t happen overnight. Like a balloon slowly losing air, the bond deflates over time.

Here are 14 red flags that reveal a doomed relationship

1 – Loss of friendship

Many people dismiss the idea that you can be good friends with your partner. They assume that means there’s no romance. But you can maintain your passion and be good friends with your partner. In fact, these kinds of relationships last longer because of their deep friendship. Friendship involves respect, care, and loyalty. These qualities are beneficial to romantic relationships as much as they are to friendship. Often, the longer couple is together, the more their friendship and romance grows.

2 – No honest communication

Studies show for a relationship to be long-lasting, there must be honest communication. Shallowness reveals a lack of genuine desire to grow the relationship. Talking honestly about your feelings makes you vulnerable.

If your partner isn’t willing to go deep, it could be a sign they’re not in the relationship for the long haul. There is the possibility your partner isn’t comfortable talking about their feelings. They may want to go deeper, but they don’t know where to start.

You can help by asking the right questions. Don’t try to ask all of them at once. Ask one or two questions at a time.  Don’t interrogate, have a desire to learn and listen. Here’s a list of 12 talking points to spur more in-depth conversations with your partner.

• What part of our relationship makes you happy?
• What’s your biggest fear related to our relationship?
• What does love mean to you?
• What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done? Why?
• What’s your favorite memory of our relationship so far? Why?
• What’s one thing you want to ask me, but are scared to ask? (I promise not to get angry)
• What do you think is a strength in our relationship? A weakness?
• If you could change our relationship in one way, what would that be?
• What bad thing has happened to you that has turned into a positive blessing?
• If you had a billion dollars, what would you do with it?
• What’s the worst thing that’s happened to you? Why?
• What’s the best thing that’s happened to you? Why?

3 – Secretive emails, phone calls or text

Keeping secrets is never a good sign in a relationship. Hidden conversations make you feel left out and not valued. It’s tempting to think your partner is cheating on you. Being secretive hurts your relationship’s trust and sense of protection.

If your partner is sending or receiving secretive texts or emails, ask them if you can talk to them. In an inquiring, calm way, ask them about the secrets. If they say it’s not a big deal or accuse you of stalking them, they’re not taking you or your relationship seriously. Secrets divide, they don’t promote faithfulness.

4 – Make decisions without talking to your input

If your partner makes a big decision without talking to you first, this is a sign of a doomed relationship. Decisions like large money purchases, or a vacation, buying or selling a house, or where to spend the holidays are significant.  Big decisions should be discussed between a couple because they affect both people.

Independent decisions like these are often a subtle way of saying they’re disinterested. If your partner is doing this, ask them why. Don’t accuse, but calmly tell them what they’re doing is hurtful and confusing. If they defend their right to be independent, you may want to rethink for you to reconsider the relationship.

5 – Loss of respect

Respect is a foundational part of any relationship. Respect means to admire or esteem. If you respect someone, you consider their feelings, rights, and wishes. Respecting one another builds trust and loyalty in your relationship. Toxic relationships lack respect. A partner who doesn’t respect you will try to control you. Don’t stay in a relationship that lacks mutual respect. It’s headed for disaster, and you will eventually get hurt.

6 – Sarcasm and toxic humor

Having a good sense of humor is vital in a relationship, but toxic jokes at the expense of your partner do harm. Sarcasm about your partner’s looks, abilities, or feelings causes deep wounds. This kind of humor is toxic to a relationship. It tears and destroys. Some people bring this type of sarcasm into a relationship because they’ve never seen a relationship built on mutual trust and love.

If you’re doing this, it may be helpful to seek professional counseling to help you heal from your hurts and learn how to relate in a healthy way to your partner. If your partner is using sarcasm or toxic humor against you, you may need to draw a line.

Never stay in a relationship where you are belittled, mocked, or made fun of. This feeling isn’t healthy. Your partner may apologize or say they were just kidding, but this is weak. Toxic humor is never a joke.

7 – Anger or manipulation

Another component of a toxic relationship is anger and manipulation. Anger tears down relationships. It’s a profoundly destructive way to relate, leaving fear and mistrust in its wake.

Manipulation is forcing someone to do what you want without them realizing your real motive. It’s deceitful and just a desire to have power. Manipulation is sometimes seen in the way a man relates to women. But women aren’t exempt.

They may manipulate with pouting or being overly sensual. It’s still an attempt to get what you want using different methods. It’s immature, and a shallow way to treat your partner. Both anger and manipulation are big red flags of a doomed, unhealthy relationship.

8 – Differing values

Many relationships start excellent, but as time goes on, differing values get in the way of the relationship. Things like family, religion, self-discipline, i.e., exercise and eating, self-improvement in career or education, money, and children are significant values you bring into your relationship.

When you get past the early stages, you may find yourself on different pages when it comes to family or going to church or career choices. Your values are part of who you are. If your partner doesn’t value what you value, it may work out.

Instead of being a couple, you will be two independent people living together. If you and our partner lack common values, this could be a red flag that your relationship won’t last.

9 – Not resolving conflicts

Minimizing conflicts, or pretending like everything is okay, isn’t healthy in a relationship. Over time, things will start to decay and erode your affection towards one another. All couples have conflicts. It’s a normal part of being in a relationship.

What’s important is how you solve your conflicts. Learn how to have a fair fight. Fair fights have boundaries. These boundaries include

• Stay calm, don’t erupt into anger.
• Don’t use the word “always.” No one “always” does anything…
• Never threaten to leave or move out.
• Don’t change topics, stick on a theme for each conflict even if you think another issue relates.
• Never name call or belittle the other person.
• Listen, don’t interrupt even if you don’t like what they’re saying.
• Repeat back what you thought they said, “I think I heard you say…” If you aren’t getting it right, have them explain again what they meant.
• Say you’re sorry, then ask them to forgive you.
• Find common ground where you agree.
• Pick what’s worth arguing about and what isn’t. Putting someone’s dirty dishes in the dishwasher may not be worth having a significant conflict over.

If everything you discuss turns into a big conflict, this is a red flag that you’re in a domed, toxic relationship.

10 – Not willing to sacrifice

Being in a relationship involves self-sacrifice. Self-sacrifice isn’t a dirty word. It’s defined as giving up one’s self-interest to help others. It means you care for someone else besides your self. It could be demonstrated by you giving up your favorite television show to help your partner with paint the livingroom.

Or you coming up with some great craft ideas for your partner’s children who come over for the weekend. Giving up your time, energy, and love for your partner’s sake deepens your relationship. If your partner isn’t willing to give up things for your sake, it should be a big red flag.

11 – Being critical

Partners who are picky about your clothing, your hair, or your career, aren’t in love with you. They are in love with the image they want to project. True acceptance means loving a person for who they are, not what you want them to be. It doesn’t mean you can’t make suggestions or share ideas, but being critical about these things shows you aren’t accepted.

Critical people are never happy. They critique everything you do and say. This nit-picking is deadly to a relationship. Sadly, negative people rarely see their faults, because they’re too busy pointing out everyone else’s flaws. You can try to point this out, but you will probably get corrected for it. This habit is a red flag that you’re in, a toxic relationship that is sure to fail.

12 – Flirting with other people

Flirting with other people while in a relationship speaks volumes. It’s a red flag if your partner is doing this. Never think that’s just the way she is, or it’s not that bad. Public flirting with someone else is a slap in your face.

Never accept a weak excuse like, “I was just having fun” or “it’s nothing, why are you making such a big deal of it.” This excuse is deflecting and being dishonest. Your partner is showing you they aren’t as committed to the relationship as you are.

13 – Acting single

If your partner acts like they’re single, that’s a red flag. If they more I more than we, it reveals they aren’t into the relationship. Going places without inviting you along, or choosing to do things without telling you indicates your partner isn’t ready for a committed relationship but probably want to stay single.

14 – Loss of affection

If your relationship lacks affection, it’s headed in the wrong direction. Affections and intimacy is a big part of a genuine connection. Hugging, kissing, cuddling, or snuggling up with your partner is healthy and demonstrates love. If this is lacking, you are little more than roommates. Don’t fall into this trap; find ways to initiate affection with your partner every day.

If you are the only one initiating affection, it may be useful to find out why. Some people had poor examples of a healthy relationship growing up. They need to learn how to be affectionate. But if your partner is unwilling to be tender, this could be a bad sign of a doomed relationship.

Final thoughts on recognizing that you are in a doomed relationship

If you recognize these signs, all hope is not necessarily lost. If both you and your partner can commit to reconnecting and strengthening your bonds, you can try to heal. However, sometimes the kindest thing you can do for yourself is to recognize that it is time to cut the cord on a doomed relationship.

Parents have a big responsibility on their shoulders. Not only do you have a career that you must keep up with, but you also juggle your household responsibilities while raising children. Is it any wonder why therapists say that date night and bonding time with your partner is essential?

Somewhere in the mix of all the things, you must do in a day is the responsibility to take care of you. Your partner also has essential needs. Think of your relationship as a plant. If you never water your houseplant, what will happen in a week, month, or a year?

The plant will lose its color as it dries up and dies. Your relationship must be watered and pruned to blossom into something great. Bonding time with the one you love is not something that is done when you have nothing else to do, but it should be prioritized.

Why is Date Night Important?

If you’ve put your relationship on the back burner so that you can focus on the kids, your job, and all the other things you need to do, you may find yourself alone. Here are the reasons why therapists say that you need to incorporate weekly date night into your life as the social isolation can be damaging.

1 – You Need to Stay Connected

You need to have a set date night where it is all about you and your love. You want your relationship to take precedence in your life too. When you have a scheduled night, it gives you time dedicated to talking about all the things going on in your life.

Many couples just give each other a quick kiss on the way out the door in the morning, come back home to a house of chaos with dinner, chores, and get the kids bathed and to bed. There is little time to devote to one another’s needs. Some people find it quite romantic to have a time set aside that is just for them.

During your date, make sure there is a quiet place where you can talk. Just because you have children and careers doesn’t mean that you stop dreaming. Where do you see yourself in a year, five years, or a decade from now? Growing old together takes careful planning, and you want to make sure you’re both on the same page.

Connecting with your partner is about more than romance. You need to communicate on a spiritual level. If you want your relationship to last and thrive, then you will ensure that a date night is planned each week. Don’t give them the leftovers of your hectic life. Instead, make sure that they are a priority.

2 – Your Children are Watching

Teaching and training children are a big responsibility. They watch your every move, and they will even mimic you throughout life. How many times did you say that you didn’t want to be like your mom or dad, yet you find yourself using the same phrases and punishment methods with your children?

Your children are also watching how you treat their other parent. They will pattern their life and relationships based on what you teach them. If they grow up in a home of dysfunction where the parents are fighting and arguing constantly, they will think this toxic behavior is normal.

However, if they grow up in a home where they see their parents love and nurturing their relationship, these behaviors become commonplace. Think of it as planting seeds in a garden of life. One day, those seeds will sprout and form into mature plants.

Your children are like seeds. They are slowly growing and becoming wiser and stronger. When they are fully grown, you want them to be healthy and full of sustenance. They will use what they learn in their formative years to raise their family, and you are a significant part of this development.

Healthy relationships are essential as your children are watching you. If dad opens the door for mom, then the son learns that he should open the door for his partner in life. Showing the proper way to treat a lady or man has a ripple effect, and it will come back around.

3 – Your Needs Are Important Too

Every man and woman needs companionship as it’s a part of their makeup. You need to be cuddled, kissed, hugged, and have someone think you are spectacular. Your needs are essential in life.

If you do not have someone who makes you feel like the man or woman you are, then you will feel like something is lacking in your life. When the world seems cold and dark, you can always find sunshine and light in the eyes and heart of the one you share a relationship with.

Many couples put a great deal of emphasis on each other and their needs in the beginning. However, the cares of life tend to bog you down. When you’re no longer in active pursuit, it’s commonplace to lose the zeal and thrill of the chase.

However, you must put your needs at the top of your to-do-list. Love and relationships are an essential part of life, and they are just as necessary to a human being as getting your next meal.

4 – Parenting is Tough

One of the reasons therapists suggest that you go on a date night without the kids is because parenting is tough. You need to have one day where you can get out without your brood in tow.

You need one night where you don’t have children hanging on your every word and clinging to your legs, calling your name. Your mind, body, and soul need a break from parenting on occasion. Don’t feel guilty or like you are letting your kids down if you take a break.

The parent who takes time for their needs will do a better job and be more relaxed. Have you ever got to the point where you were so stressed out that any little sound made you feel like you were reaching the boiling point? Feelings like that can cause you to lash out when the situation isn’t nearly as bad as it seems.

You need a date night so that you can be a better parent. You will be surprised how wonderful you feel once you’ve had a break from the daily grind. It gives you a whole new perspective on life.

5 – You Need Something to Look Forward Too

Life would be pretty dull if all you had to look forward to was going to work and coming home to make dinner. It doesn’t matter if you’re 25 or 50 years of age, you need to have something that you anticipate.

Having a bright spot in your week can give you the strength to get up one more day. Life would be boring if all you ever did was work. Your date night should include things like:

•Trying new restaurants

•Watching the latest movies

•Taking long drives in the country with the radio blaring

•Going to concerts

•Going wine tasting

•Walks along the beach of a lake or the ocean

•Hitting the shopping mall

•Bowling or playing other games together

6 – Avoid Becoming Logistical Partners

The final reason you need to make sure you have a night for dates each week is that you will become logistical partners if not. Does the bulk of your conversations involve around who will take Suzie to piano practice, while picking up Bobbie from his baseball game?

Children can run you ragged, especially if they are involved in extracurricular activities. If you are like two ships that pass in the night, then your relationship will suffer. If your conversations are always about someone or something else, then you need to refocus your attention.

How many times have you heard someone say that they broke up because they just drifted apart? They are not mad at each other, and they didn’t leave on bad terms. It is just that they lost the closeness that they once felt. It’s sad because it happens every day.

Final Thoughts on Planning a Weekly Date Night

You probably feel like you’re pulled in 150 directions during the week. Your children need you; your job requires you, and your household needs you. However, the most important thing of all is that your spouse needs you.

To create a healthy family environment where your children can grow and be well balanced requires you to have a good relationship with your partner. Your children are watching how you treat each other, seeing if there is any affection, and they know if you would rather fight than be in the same room.

Remember all the reasons why you got together in the first place. Keep the flame and passion alive by incorporating a date night into your routine. The bonding time you create during this dedicated time is what you need to get through the pressures of life. It’s okay to feel like you are dating again and having fun. It’s what life’s all about.

Everyone has their unique coping methods for getting over a breakup. However, some may be much more effective than others. It’s essential to go through your grief in the right way to get you back on your feet again. We share ten ways to cope with heartbreak (and ten behaviors to avoid).

10 “Dos” When You Must Cope with Heartbreak

1. Do Seek Support

It’s perfectly natural to want to talk to someone about your breakup. You probably have a lot of feelings festering up inside of you. Look for opportunities to express your emotions in an appropriate setting. Go to the people who are closest to you first. Of course, you want to avoid anyone who may be caught in the middle of the breakup. Venting to them could make them feel uncomfortable.

In the case of life-altering breakups or leaving an abusive relationship, you may want to go to a therapist or support group. The damage inflicted may be more serious than a gab session with your mom or best friend can manage.

2. Do Focus on Your Physical Health

When you treat your body well, you will notice a positive change in your mental health as well. Eat well and exercise. Focus on foods filled with nutrition and not empty calories. Stay away from fried foods and processed foods. You should also make a point to get out and exercise throughout the week. A body in motion stays in motion, so your body will continue to move correctly as long as you work it out.

3. Do Stay Busy

The last thing you need is too much time on your hands. You may end up dwelling on the breakup, causing you to feel bad about yourself. Instead, fill up your calendar with different events to keep you busy. When you are out doing things every night, you won’t have time to think about the person who hurt you.

4. Do Help Others

Breakups tend to bring out the selfish side of us. We wallow in self-pity and talk about ourselves a lot. Instead, it might be more beneficial to go out and help others. Spend time with family members or volunteer at a charitable organization. You will not only be helping others, but it can also make you feel good about yourself.

5. Do Examine Your Dating Practices

While you shouldn’t place blame on anyone (especially yourself), you should take time to think about some of your dating habits. You may be able to make some changes that will help you in your future dating ventures. Do you tend to fall for bad boys? Are you too clingy? Do you flirt with other people outside of the relationship? Look at some things you can change to help yourself succeed in love the next time around.

6. Do Cry

Some people try their hardest not to cry or feel angry about the end of their relationship. However, it’s a natural reaction to feel a certain way. You should not feel bad about your emotions. In fact, it is best to take some time to explore how you are feeling.

Otherwise, you only bottle up your feelings inside of you. Take a night to listen to sad breakup songs with a scoop of ice cream to let it out. When it’s finally all out there, you’ll feel a lot better. Just don’t make it a habit.

7. Do Get a Pet

You may have a lot of love you want to share. Get a cute pet to focus your love on. You can dote on your new cat, dog, or lizard (whatever pet you’re into). Just remember a pet is a big responsibility and commitment.

8. Do Focus on Other Relationships

Your romantic relationship wasn’t the only relationship in your life. Consider all of the family relationships in your life– your parents, grandparents, siblings, friends, etc. Spend some time developing those relationships.

9. Do Find a Creative Outlet

You need to find a way to express yourself in a safe, creative way after heartbreak. Some people choose to start painting, singing, or writing. You can talk about the breakup or a variety of other topics affecting you at the moment.

10. Do Date

You should go out and start dating again–when you are ready.  You may want to give it a couple of weeks or months before going on your first date. Only you know the best timeframe for you, as confirmed by research. But you shouldn’t get too used to staying inside every day. When a new dating opportunity comes up, take it. Take things slowly and casually before you fall in love headfirst again, though.

10 Don’ts When You Suffer from Heartbreak

1. Don’t Overindulge

Some people choose to make themselves feel better by overindulging in certain activities, such as drinking or casual sex. It may make you feel better at the moment, but it won’t lead to long-term happiness. Watch how much you engage in reckless behavior.

2. Don’t Contact Your Ex

Your ex was a large part of your life. It’s hard to entirely and suddenly stop talking to a person who was once so important in your life. When something good or bad happens in your life, your instinct may be to pick up the phone and give your ex a call. You may also want to call just to see how they are doing. Avoid all temptations. Contacting your ex will only lead to a complicated relationship that can prevent you from moving on and even more heartbreak. It’s over. Only talk to your ex when you need to.

3. Don’t Talk About the Breakup on Social Media

Social media is an excellent place for people to express themselves. However, you don’t want to tell everyone about what’s going on in your life. Rants about your ex may be entertaining to other people, but it will only make you look crazy and unprofessional.

4. Don’t Stoop to Their Level

Breakups can bring out the worst in people. When someone is emotional, they may do something mean. When your ex starts making your life difficult, you may be tempted to stoop down to their level and retaliate. Don’t do it. You may only make yourself look bad or even get yourself in trouble. Even when your ex goes low, you need to stay high.

5. Don’t Let Yourself Go

After a breakup, you may not shave or do your regular skincare routine. However, you need to keep up on these things more than ever in the case of a new prospect coming along. You don’t want a new potential significant other to see you in your pajamas with no makeup during the day.

6. Don’t Hold onto Gifts/Items

You and your former partner may have gifted each other things throughout the relationship. The items will become a reminder of your relationship when they are gone. You may enjoy a certain pair of shoes or piece of jewelry, but you shouldn’t wear those items if it’s going to be a constant reminder of a failed relationship.

7. Don’t Become a Shut-in

After a breakup, the world may look scary and unfriendly. You may not want to go out and socialize with people. However, you need to overcome these feelings. Some people want some time to themselves after a breakup, but you may start to be depressed staying inside all of the time. You need to go out and experience fresh air. You should also go do things you enjoy and see people in your life. These things will put your life back on track.

8. Don’t Portray Yourself as a Victim

It can be easy to make yourself look like a victim without even trying. This would be especially true if you were cheated on or abused during the relationship. However, you need to make a point to remain strong. You should not lie about what happened, but you do not need to tell your story without provocation.

9. Don’t Stick to Old Negative Patterns

Many people who are unlucky in love may notice that they tend to make the same mistakes over and over again. You need to examine these mistakes and do what you can to make a change. In some cases, you may want to get professional help to assist you through your issues.

10. Don’t Rush Into the Next Relationship

Some people cure heartbreak by rushing into the next committed relationship. While you want to go out and date, you don’t want to jump a long-term commitment with another person right away. Take the time to get to know somebody. Allow things to happen organically. Otherwise, you’ve just headed toward heartbreak again.

Final Thoughts on Coping With Heartbreak So You Can Move On

These tips make it clear for people to make the right decisions for their emotional and romantic health after heartbreak. A breakup isn’t the end- it’s the start of something new and exciting. You just need to see it that way.

Marriage is a consensual union where two people love and commit to each other for life. While tying the knot is done out of love, a couple truly does not understand the meaning of the word until they have weathered life’s storms together. Marriage is not for the faint of heart, but setting ground rules can prevent misunderstandings down the road.

Some find that once they are married, they feel more like roommates rather than spouses. The daily grind can get to everyone, and the responsibility that comes with such a commitment can be overwhelming. Ground rules are essential, and they should be established before you walk down the aisle.

Ground Rules for a Successful Marriage

If you want a successful partnership and a happy life, then you need to establish some ground rules early on. You may think that it sounds silly to put requirements on a relationship that has a foundation of love. But nothing can be nastier than a married couple throwing verbal punches during an argument. Here are some ground rules that can help you ensure your union is a long and blissful one.

Also, know that while you agree to these ground rules, they can be flexible–when both parties agree. For example, your feelings about starting a family might change one day. As long as both of you agree to amend these decisions–and play by the new ruling–you’ll do just fine!

1. Don’t Go to Bed Angry

There’s an old saying that states that you should never let the sun go down on your wrath. This is so important because the longer you allow frustrations to boil, the more apt it is to drive a wedge between the two of you.

Most arguments start over silly things, and they should be resolved before you go to bed. You will lie there all night and stew about what happened. As you replay the events in your mind, you will build the situation up to be bigger than it is, and it can easily cause you to resent your spouse.

If possible, don’t go to bed before at least committing to sort things out in the morning and to apologize for any wrongdoing.

2. Vow to Never Allow Family to Interfere

One of the most significant problems in marriages is the in-laws. In many cases, they act like outlaws when it comes to their loved ones. It’s essential to establish firm boundaries regarding the relatives early on.

Never allow your parents or siblings to speak ill of your partner. Additionally, you must ensure that they don’t stick their nose into your business. Your union must be strong, and you cannot let your relatives ruin your successful partnership.

In-laws can quickly destroy your relationship with meddling, especially when you have children. So it’s best that you set firm boundaries with them on what behaviors you expect and what you won’t tolerate.

3. Decide the Financial Stuff

There was a joint checking account in the olden days, and one person handled all the bills. Today’s couples are a bit more diverse in how finances are done. Do you tend to be old fashioned, or do you want to keep money separate?

It’s important to discuss these issues upfront. It can get very messy if two people are trying to pay bills and dipping into the proverbial cookie jar. Finances are one of the problems that can ruin a marriage quicker than anything else, so establish early on how things are done. Decide on a plan that is acceptable for both of you.

Another thing to consider is that neither party should make a significant purchase without talking to one another. Set a dollar limit that you shouldn’t go over without discussing it. The same should be said about opening credit and going in debt.

4. Determine if You Want Children

Another issue that is common among couples is the desire to be a parent. One may want to be a mom or dad while the other one isn’t interested in offspring. It doesn’t matter which side of the fence you are on; you need to voice your desires to your partner.

Don’t skip over the issue because you are afraid to tell your partner how you feel. It could cause a significant rift later.

5. Don’t Bring up the Past

Everyone has a past, and some histories are sketchier than others. When you create a union, you cannot consistently throw your partners past in their face. If your spouse was once addicted to drugs but pulled themselves out of that lifestyle, then they shouldn’t have to live with it being brought up constantly.

You cannot change your past, but you can change your future. Leave what’s behind you alone as it’s not a life sentence.

6. Always Be Honest

Dishonesty can be a quick way to head to divorce court. It’s easy to tell a little white lie now and again, but it can get you in real trouble. Trust your partner enough, to be honest. Make a pact that no matter how upset it might make the other person that you don’t lie to each other.

7. Vow to Keep the Doors of Communication Open

It’s hard to communicate once you’re not dating, and you’re living together. Make one of your ground rules that you keep an open line of communication with each other. Even though life is busy, you should at least have one night a week reserved for date night.

If it helps, keep a list of all the things you want to discuss during that time. Take time for each other, no matter how busy you are in life. Money and prosperity can only get you so far, but if you want true happiness, you will invest in your marriage.

8. Divorce is Not an Option

There may come the point and time in your life when you want to call it quits. Perhaps, you’ve grown apart, or you have had an affair. Life never goes as you plan. Marriages that last more than five years are the anomaly these days.

How do these people that stay married for 40-50 years do it? The key is they don’t quit, no matter how hard they want too. They keep going because they took vows to the other person to have and to hold, through sickness and in health.

While not every union withstands the test of time, don’t be so eager to give up. Make up in your mind that you’re not going to quit, but instead plan to honor your commitment.

9. Don’t Use Harsh Words

Negativity can destroy a bond. For every bit of constructive criticism that you give out, you should follow that with four things of praise. If you’re always telling your spouse all the things they do wrong, you will destroy their morale, and they will avoid you.

Even when you’re amid a heated argument, and you feel like calling names, don’t resort to childish games. Be a grown-up and civilly talk about things. Make a pact and set ground rules that you won’t call names or hit each other no matter what the situation.

10. Make Sure to Keep Personal Things Personal

One of the most significant ground rules in a marriage is learning to keep private things private. If your spouse calls their family or friends and tells them all your personal stuff, it can destroy your union. Make sure these rules extend to finances, romance, children, or any information you don’t want to be shared.

Establish rules about what things should never be shared beyond your union, and make sure you both keep these things out of the public.

11. Don’t Argue in Front of Children or Others

There are very few couples that agree on everything. However, take your arguments to a private area and don’t fight in front of children, relatives, or the public. When you disagree, no matter how trivial, go somewhere that you can discuss it calmly, and don’t get everyone else involved.

12. Make Your Relationship a Priority

Marriage takes work, and it’s not easy. Your union must be a priority every day. Your spouse, their needs, and desires, should always come before your own. When your commitment to your job is complete, your spouse and children get the next priority in your day.

If you want to hang with friends or relatives and do other things, they should be after your relationship needs are met.

Setting Ground Rules for a Happy Life

There’s no rule book when it comes to marriage; however, by establishing ground rules that cover the basics and significant issues, you can take care of many problems before they happen. Love and cherish one another no matter what life throws your way.

There are going to be hundreds of times that you want to throw in the towel and file for divorce. However, there’s something special about those who stick together no matter what comes their way. In sickness and in health are significant vowels to make to a person.

Take advice from older couples that have been married for decades. They can give you the keys to a successful marriage. Don’t take advice or seek wisdom from someone who has been divorced a couple of times. You want to make your union last, so you want all the help you can get.

There is nothing worse than listening to your children bicker and fight all day long. Sibling rivalry can quickly wear on your nerves. Most parents hear iconic phrases like “I’m telling on you,” and “He took my toy.” While you may want to run away and may have got in your car with the keys on occasion, there are ways to combat this behavior.

As your children bicker, it builds tension in your home, making it an unpleasant atmosphere. Thankfully, you can use these experiences to teach rather than to cause discord. Conflict resolution is a part of everyday life.

Using these disagreements, you can teach your children about how to resolve their issues without nasty tones and harsh words. For the parent, consistency is the key. You must set firm ground rules and not allow them to get away with things on the weekend that you don’t permit during the week.

How Do You Stop Sibling Fighting

The resolution for this common problem begins with you. By ensuring there are household rules, well-defined consequences, and you are fair with all the children. Then you can establish expectations. Keep in mind that it’s normal for children to argue.

However, as an adult, it’s your job to make sure it doesn’t get out of hand. You must keep your temper and your children under control. To help you implement a program in your home that allows for less arguing, here are six ways that therapists suggest ending sibling rivalry between brothers and sisters.

1. Establish Firm Ground Rules

Most households already have rules in place for arguing. However, if you don’t have these rules established, then take a few minutes to develop a list that your family can use. Call a family meeting and tell the children the importance of following these guidelines.

Consistency is essential. If you don’t give consequences when the rules aren’t followed, then they won’t see the need to obey. Make sure you are clear on your expectations as children love to push boundaries as far as you will allow them.

Remember, some days are going to be better than others, and you must rule with understanding. Kids are going to be kids, and brothers and sisters are going to argue. You are just the referee in their daily encounters.

2. Never Compare Your Children

Did you know that one of the main reasons why sibling rivalry exists is because parents compare children? When one child is doing well, it’s easy to brag about them as you are proud of their accomplishments. However, while the child making the right decisions does deserve praise, there are other children than are feeling insufficient.

Never compare two children against each other; instead, make sure to make a point of good qualities of all. Try to find something to praise each child daily, even if it’s just for helping to bring in the groceries. Remember, that negativity will feed negativity. If you want your children to be positive, then you must set the example.

It’s essential that all your children feel loved and wanted by you. The older your kids get, the harder it is to connect and show your love. It’s easy when they are young and will allow you to hold and cuddle them, but those tactics don’t work on teenagers.

Don’t fall into the trap of comparing your children’s attitudes, behaviors, grades, or general demeanor. When you praise one over the other, you are setting your household up for sibling rivalry. Sadly, most sibling rivalry doesn’t end when children reach adulthood.

3. Treat All Children Fairly

Another thing that parents often do without realizing it is that they play favorites. It’s easy to love and be close to that child that is doing well and seems to have it together. However, the tides will turn. It seems children rotate, and one does well for a while, then the other one takes a walk on the wild side.

You must create a trust system among your offspring. One of the biggest causes of rivalry is when one child feels that they are not the favorite. They will vie for your attention and use behaviors, both good and bad, to get it.

You must be fair to all your kids and ensure that the rules are not made for one. The difficulty is that each child has unique needs, and your discipline style must vary. While you may use different tactics, you must ensure that all parties get a fair punishment.

4. Rule with Regularity

In parenting, stability is everything. If your children know your weak spots, then they will use them to their advantage. You cannot bend, adjust, or change the rules for any child. To set a good example for your kids, you want them to learn the fine art of being consistent.

Now, on the other hand, parents must remember if you don’t want your home full of sibling rivalry, then you cannot argue with their mom or dad in front of them. Sure, you will have disagreements, but you need to take them to a private room. So if you want your children to learn to get along with each other, then you must learn to do the same.

If the rules say you must make your bed in the morning, then they must receive a consequence when the bed is not made. Thus, if you don’t punish when a rule is broken, then they will break them time and again. Plus, your child will quickly learn you don’t stick with your word, which is a dangerous position to be in a parent.

5. Allow Them Some Space to Work it Out

Part of being an effective parent is giving your kids the tools to work through conflicts. If your children start to argue, then you don’t always have to step in to assist. Sometimes, you need to lay down your referee whistle and let them figure it out.

You can encourage them to use their words and take turns talking about the issues, but don’t be so quick to jump in with punishments. Teach them to identify the problem, and you must give them the tools to resolve it. However, just because you don’t step in doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be close by.

Things can take a drastic turn at a moment’s notice, and you may need to get that whistle out and put on your referee cap. When parents teach appropriate conflict resolution, then children learn to have respect for one another.

6. Teach Teamwork in Daily Life

One of the best ways to combat sibling rivalry is to teach teamwork in daily life. Rather than making activities about competition, why not teach them to work together? A team is always stronger than one individual. One of the best exercises to teach teambuilding is relay races.

Make the game where the children are against the adults, and you will teach them the importance of working together. You have many opportunities around your home to teach teamwork. Simple tasks such as mowing the grass, folding the laundry, or doing homework, are all examples of when it’s better to have more hands helping.

Final Thoughts: Sibling Rivalry is Normal

Raising children is not for the faint of heart. They can be very taxing and take you to the brink of emotional despair. However, while there are so many difficulties in this significant job, they are the best gift you could ever ask for in life.

Remember, you’re not the only parent struggling with the arguing and constant bickering. When you have both boys and girls in the home, it can be an all-out war zone. You must find useful tools to resolve their conflicts.

Another thing that you can do for your children is to make them feel special. It’s so hard to carve out time each day with all the items on your to-do list, but you should give each child 10-15 minutes of your undivided attention.

Let them talk to you about what’s bothering them and make them feel that their voice is heard. Make sure you put down the cell phone and turn off the television. Give your ear to them and allow them to vocalize their feelings.

As parents, it’s easy to think that your children don’t have issues. After all, they don’t have to go to work each day and provide for your household. However, you cannot diminish the problems in their little world.

An argument with a friend at school can be just as much of a catastrophic event in their world as you are being exhausted from working so many hours. If you want to tame sibling fights or arguments, then you must first listen to them. Lastly, you must set a good example for them to follow.

Breaking off a relationship involves the same process as grieving many times. One of the worst things about this time of grief is that people show their true colors. These shades might not be very bright. We’ve got the breakdown of why people show their true colors in a breakup.

The Science of The Impact Of Personality In Breakups

A study in the Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin explained how people handle romantic rejection. People reported how the view of themselves changed when their partner broke up the relationship. This research showed how people see themselves after a breakup, which has a direct impact on how they can get on with life.

The true personalities of each partner come through in breakups because these traits are part of the people. Personality traits have a big role in breakups because many people cannot move on for a very long time. They feel haunted and feel as if they did something “wrong.” Being rejected boosts their personality flaws because it brings them to the surface. Many people find their true self must be wrong.

Testing a Relationship Brings Out The Worst In People

When people test their relationships, it’s the time many of them show their true colors. Breaking up is one of the hardest things for many people. It means something went wrong. Many people feel at this time that they’re not enough. When they’re put in the fire, those true colors shine in the light.

They’ve never had to show these colors before because they weren’t at this level of testing. Many people have a fight or flight mentality when it comes to tough times. A side of them comes out that might scare you, or might even surprise you. Even good people will let the worst in them come out when facing a tough time like a breakup.

Negative Behavior

As a relationship ends, some people exhibit negative behavior. They’ve been used to bottling their emotions, but their negative feelings are bubbling over, showing how they feel. Showing these negative behaviors to the partner reveals those emotions coming to the surface. The partner may have never seen this side before. The petty fights finally have a breaking point.

Perhaps the biggest issue here is that those negative feelings when breaking up are how you felt for a long time. These feelings were just hidden until you felt the need to show them. Bringing up these things you dislike about one another won’t change anything anyway. It’ll just make the other person resentful that you never loved their true self.

Dealing With A Narcissist

One of the biggest disappointments to many people when breaking up is finding out you’re dealing with a narcissist. You see the true colors of a person that reveal they’re into everything for themselves.

Your personalities just don’t align because they have no empathy, and they blame everything on you. If you never saw this behavior before, it is because a narcissist is great at luring you in for their good. They tell you what you want to hear.

Everything usually seems great until you hit a pothole. Once you hit trouble, these people show their other face. They only see things in black or white, so it’s either good or bad with them. They think if you aren’t on their side, you’re just wrong.

Thus, they feel if you’re the one leaving the relationship, you’re making the wrong decision because they’re the best thing since sliced bread. The truth is that there might not be anything wrong with you, but it’s all rooted in their personality.

The Mask Comes Off and True Colors Reveal Themselves

Sometimes people show the negative aspects of their personality because they got what they wanted out of the relationship. They don’t need you anymore, so they don’t have to hide their identity. The mask they wore during your relationship doesn’t serve a purpose anymore. They’re able to reveal their face. This face might not be anything like the mask. They don’t care because they’re done with you.

It’s a sad but true part of many relationships. During a relationship, that mask is there to fulfill their happiness. Once it’s over, why would they need it? It’s time to create a new mask for the next relationship.

The Pressure of a Breakup

When you’re going through a breakup, you often feel frayed. It’s as if the pressure of your changing relationship status might make you explode. If someone’s personality is negative, that explosion won’t be pretty. When things are happy and quiet, that pressure is chill. When things start to explode, the volcanic ash can be fiery. Pressure makes it almost impossible to wear a mask. Pressure doesn’t make a person the way they are.

This feeling of pressure just reveals this person’s personality. They collapse under the weight of all of the issues. One cannot hide who they are in pressure. It builds inside them until they have to let it all out in some way.

Pretending Cannot Last Forever

Even if a relationship lasted years and years under a mask, this pretending could not last forever. Sometimes a partner can “trick” the other for years. They show their best self. They say what the other wants to hear. And they might even do what the other person wants. Everything is perfect until the world starts to break.

This person has practiced being the person behind their mask for a long time. This pretending just cannot last forever. The work behind it gets exhausting. They start to crack as the world shakes. In truth, the partner probably saw these little cracks start popping up along the way. These cracks start to look like the world after an earthquake when you breakup. This is because pretending now has now fallen to the wayside. It has nothing to stand on, so it’s thrown to the side.

Controlling The Relationship Breakup

During a breakup, many people try to control and manipulate the other person. Controlling and manipulative behavior comes to the surface because many people feel like they’re falling without a parachute. They’re fearful, so they pull out any stops.

This type of manipulation can be emotionally abusive to the other person. All relationship tools of compromise are suddenly thrown out the window because they feel threatened. This behavior type is hard to change. People have this rooted in their personalities. It can even get worse if you’re going through a breakup where you have to divide things and make big decisions.

It’s Not Your Job To Fix Your Ex-partner

When your former partner shows their personality, don’t try to fix them. When they walk away showing off the worst parts about themselves, it isn’t your job to help them find their way back. They show themselves because they are scared.

They’re in a corner, they’re upset, and they want out. Your ex wants happiness, so they’ll do anything to get it. This desire could mean hurting you with unkind words or behaviors. Know that it isn’t your job to fix these things. You can’t fix who they are. It was never your fault that they wore a mask.

Don’t Become Uncomfortable In Your Skin

Sometimes you don’t see the personality of your partner until it’s too late because they simply aren’t being who they are. Some people are just afraid of being your true self, which is a bad thing in a relationship.

When you’re uncomfortable in your skin with another person, the relationship is built on a lie. Once you hit waves, those true colors splash out of the relationship boat. If someone doesn’t love those colors, they aren’t worth it. It’s not worth it to be someone else for years in a relationship. It’s exhausting for most people to try to please the other person by putting on a facade.

Final Thoughts about Someone Revealing Their True Colors During a Breakup

Sometimes after breaking up, you try to see through the negative behavior to who the person was during the relationship. You try to justify their actions. The truth of the matter is that you have to believe this person when they take off their mask. When they reveal their true selves, believe them. Don’t go back to the good times. These times weren’t real.

When this person was kind to you, yet they were only doing it for their good, it was never truthful. Many people want to believe in the good. Once someone shows you who they are on the inside, don’t go back. It will only hurt you in the end.

Overall, people reveal their true colors during a breakup because everything is stripped away. You might feel as if you lost all of the bright, happy times. But it is up to you to paint a new picture of the future that looks happy and bright.

But always remember–breaking up is a type of loss.

People have their ways of dealing with loss and grief. It’s impossible to change them, so it’s best to move on without them. If you don’t know the true colors of a person from the beginning, it’s only going to end in a storm.

The 5 Most Famous Sex Therapists of All Time

In today’s sex-saturated market, it can be easy to forget that sex was once a very taboo topic.

Many famous sex therapists struggled to find their place in the world. Even today, they are often met with resistance or criticism but persist in spite of their challenges.

These inspirational figures overcame difficulties to pioneer the field of sex therapy, and continue to influence it today. Be inspired by the work of these famous sex therapists.

1. Alfred Kinsey

Modern sexual psychology truly started with Alfred Kinsey. His work is so well-known that he has almost become a household name.

In the 1940s and 1950s, most public talk about sex of any kind was considered controversial. Kinsey pioneered the field of sex psychology at the time, even founding an institute for sex research.

Without Kinsey, the sexual revolution that came in the following decades may not have happened. He replaced outdated concepts of accepted sexuality with the idea that almost all sexual behavior could be considered normal from a biological perspective.

He studied both male and female sexuality and spent his career publishing books, giving lectures, and conducting research that’s still influential in the field today, making him one of the most famous sex therapists of all time.

2. Virginia Johnson

From the 1960s onward, Virginia Johnson carried the baton of pioneering sex therapy along with her husband William Masters.

Masters was an academic with a cold demeanor, but Johnson was personable enough to make research subjects comfortable. The couple contributed to the field of human sexuality with sex studies that brought them worldwide fame. Johnson and Masters conducted two-week-long therapy sessions for people with perceived sexual dysfunction.

She published two best-selling books and had a successful public career. Society did not always meet her work with acceptance, but the impact she had on women’s sexuality and sexuality in general is still felt today.

3. Ruth Westheimer

Westheimer, often simply called Dr. Ruth, got her introduction to open discussions of sex when she took a job at Planned Parenthood in the 1960s. By 1967, she was a project director for the organization.

She also has a doctorate degree from Columbia in family and sex therapy.

Her career was not entirely a smooth ride. When she was fired from a teaching job at Brooklyn College, she nearly gave up hope. But a lecture she gave not long after led to her being offered a radio show.

The show’s popularity helped her grow a devoted following, which led to her rapid career growth, including a television series and the publication of several books.

4. Padma Deva

In a world where we have such interesting sex devices as the Whizzinator and Fleshlight, it’s hard to imagine that anything related to sex could be scandalous. Modern-day sex therapist Padma Deva may be seen by some as more infamous than famous.

She is known as the sex therapist who sleeps with her patients. Intercourse doesn’t always happen, but nudity, massage, and sensual touch may all be part of the therapy session.

Deva is a professional therapist who just happens to have unconventional methods of treating patients. She helps male clients recover from sexual problems and fears that inhibit them from having normal relationships.

Her sexual activity with patients has brought lots of controversy. Yet the fame (or infamy) has also helped give her the publicity that creates success.

5. Laura Berman

Another modern sex therapist, Laura Berman’s work is more on the tame side. She works with media figures that are generally seen as wholesome, such as Oprah and Dr. Oz, to bring information about sex to the masses.

Berman has been on reality TV and has a nationally syndicated radio show in addition to having been featured in many major magazines. She provides another facet to the work of sex therapy, helping inform readers, viewers, and listeners across the world.

Contributions of Famous Sex Therapists

From history to the modern day, each of these famous sex therapists has had their own unique approach to the field.

Some research stands the test of time while other research is replaced with more modern findings. All these therapists made important lasting contributions to the field.

What have you learned from famous sex therapists, or what do you hope to find out? Leave a comment and let us know!